Dear Mom,

I sent the babysitting kids a facebook message last night. I thought that such integral members of our family needed a more personalized update instead of stumbing across your obituary on Facebook.

The outpouring of love from those kids is incredible. I don't know if you ever gave yourself enoug credit for the role that you had in their lives. Michelle told me about a letter that you sent to her ages ago-- her Mom had found it and passed it along to her; she shared it with us:


"Dear Michelle,
This week, February 12-18 is Random Act of Kindness Week. During this week we are to perform a random act of kindness, it could be a hamper of food for the poor, shoveling the side walk for a neighbour, or helping mom load the dishwasher after supper. But, for me, it is to write this note of thanks to you, Michelle.
I want to thank you for the help and kindness you show everyday to me and to all the children in my home. You are always ready to help buckle a seat belt, undo a coat button, or put toys away, even if someone else was playing with them.
Your manners at lunch are super and I appreciate hearing that you really liked your lunch today. If I need your help for anything you always jump right in to give me a hand and I never have to ask more than once. (Usually you have already seen what needs doing and have done it for me)
You are amazing, Michelle! I want to thank you for the acts of kindness you do, not just during this special week, but each and every day!
♥ Nancy"

This made me cry more than anything else. I wish I had kept more letters that you'd written me-- I wish I had more of your words to hang on to than a few work-related postits. I've turned off most sentiment and am not allowing things around the house to become things-that-Mom-touched, but I really wish that I had some of your words. Like the multicoloured letter that the tooth fairy wrote to me when I was little. It was pages long and self-affirming and I kept it in my dresser for years and years and years. It got lost in my teenage-hood, though. I should have kept better care of it.

Our whole family has been showered in love and condolences from friends both old and new. The comfort in it is not that we are loved but that every comment and every message brings me back to who you were to me before this mess. I feel like I've lost those memories and that it will take a long, long time for them to return.



I reorganized the work desk today. If you see it, please don't think it was to erase your presence. I needed to make it mine, though, so that I wasn't just sitting in your chair and doing your job. I needed my own space to do my own job because otherwise spending my days there would be too much to bear. They already were, when we had not yet lost you but I knew that we were going to lose you.

There's this sticky note stuck to the desk that you wrote to me a few months ago: "Edmonton Public School is done. <3 Mom" ... Those are all the words of yours that I can find. I kept it then because I knew that they would become precious and they are, Mom. It's just a little sticky note but I don't ever want to lose it.



I keep wanting to tell you about the amazing things that people are saying about you. I forget... but then remember.

This is not an easy thing.